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[az_shrimp_horny]

[She wasn't going to do this... she really wasn't going to be that guy... but her talk with Aziraphale last night had worried her. If he was cracking under pressure or whatever the fuck that was she can't just leave all the newbies in the lurch.

What the fuck is wrong with her? She actually cares?! Fuck! It's okay. Just remember what Aziraphale said about teaching and leading and shit. But if she's gonna do this for real she's gonna do it her way.

So she sat on her couch in front of a plain white wall, nothing fancy. A framed candid photo of her and Rosabella hangs off to her right. Dressed in a comfy plaid shirt, she gives the mirror a lop sided smile before she begins to speak.]

Hey everyone, I'm Eleanor and I don't usually do this so I'm just gonna get straight to the point:

Alright, so, here's the deal. I'm not gonna sugar coat this for you - this place isn't the best. Some parts of it downright suck. But it doesn't have to completely suck. I know all you newbies are probably getting sick of hearing about everything. There's a loooooot of info. Take it from someone who hates reading anything longer than a couple'a pages, I getcha. So here are some cliffnotes:

-You can get some food for free at places in town - it's good shit, too. That'll help til you get a job or someone to freeload off of.
-The Emporium has everything you might need - ask for me or Michael, we'll help hook you up.
-Right now everything is fucking haunted. Don't fuck with the ghosts or they'll fuck with you... I speak from experience.
-Watch out on the full moon. Anyone who's a monster class starts looking and acting pretty wiggy. And... don't take it personally, they can't help it. On the new moon it's the exact opposite, so be nice.
-Don't do any missions til you've at least tried to do magic... they suck ass if you don't know what you're doing. During my first mission, one guy blew up one of our tents and made the other one invisible. Seriously. You try finding an invisible tent in the dark. It's not fun.

[No offense, Doctor. It was the best example she could think of...

She sighs, raking her hair back from her face. Realizing how she must sound, her smile turns a little apologetic.]

Listen... I know it's a lot. Trust me. I didn't believe a single word of it until I saw the corroded with my own eyes and actually did magic for the first time. But you're not alone. If you want help with magic and shit you can go talk to Aziraphale if he's around. He's one of the good guys and super easy to talk to. But you can also come talk to me. I've been helping with training, but I've also been giving a lot of advice lately. So I'm gonna put out a blanket offer to everyone, no matter how long you've been here:

If you need someone to train with, talk to, hang out with, bitch at or whatever, I'm your girl. I work at the Emporium, but hit me up through the mirror any time. I'll buy the first round of drinks. Booze, tea, coffee, milk and cookies, a thimble of something, whatever.

[She pauses, biting her lip]

Uuuuhhh yeah that's about it. [Another pause] Fuck, I don't know how to end this without sounding either really lame or super awkward... except now I just made it awkward by saying that. [She facepalms] Just... bye. Okay? Bye.

Comments

[enhancomancer]

Ohhhhhh, are you from Mundania? Or somewhere without magic?

[az_shrimp_horny]

Somewhere without magic. It's a little more complicated than that but I think just saying there isn't magic there is good enough.

[enhancomancer]

[Solemn nod.] It must have been very boring. I'm sorry for that.

At least you're here now!

[az_shrimp_horny]

Eh you'd be surprised. [So she was changing the subject the other day.]

What's it like where you're from?

[enhancomancer]

Everything's magical, and fun, and there's puns! My dad's Magic is making the inanimate speak -- oh! People can only do one form of magic there, not like here! And my mother's is making plants grow! And my best friend is Stanley Steamer: the Gap Dragon! So Crowley made a plushie version of him the first night I was here so I could sleep. It's not as good, but I love it lots, and I put it on a pedestal to keep him safe from dirt!

And there's no munny. Only in the hypnogourd, the realm of nightmares, or Mundania, where there's no magic, so pies don't grow on trees or bushes.

I still don't get where the food comes from here. Crowley said they make it, but not with magic, and doesn't make sense. Neither does calling munny that, because it's very nonsense!

[az_shrimp_horny]

[What... The... Fuck.... ]

Kid... No offense but your world sounds really freaking weird.

[enhancomancer]

That's why it's not boring! Xanth is the best!

[az_shrimp_horny]

Xanth, huh? Geez, even the name is more interesting than where I'm from. Earth, by the way. That's the planet. Of course I came here from The Bad Place but that's no more interesting.

[enhancomancer]

It's named after the Demon Xanth who gives us some of his magic.

Neat!

What's the Bad Place?

[az_shrimp_horny]

[Welp, no avoiding this conversation.]

It's... hell. Like.. actual Hell.

[enhancomancer]

Oh! Where dead souls go.

You know what I don't get? Why don't demons want to stay there, and just make it what they want? Like they said they're straightening the Kiss-Me river to Kill-Me because of the hummers, but why can't they just soundproof Hell instead???

[az_shrimp_horny]

Yup. That's me. A dead soul. [She waves]

I... have no idea what any of what you just said is. I don't... are those real things? Or are you just making shit up?

[enhancomancer]

But this isn't Hell. And you're not a ghost.

Of course it's real!!! [So UNUSED to this reaction, she doesn't even notice the swear this time!] Esk and Volney went to the Good Magician Humphrey to ask how to get rid of the demons! But when he went missing, they came to Castle Roogna because it might be a Xanth-wide crisis. Well, actually, we -- me, Stanley, and Chet Centaur, Chex's Uncle, were going to find out why we couldn't reach the Good Magician, so we met them halfway. And I still think mother and father were wrong. They said we couldn't get tangled in the affairs of demons, especially not with Hugo and his parents -- that's the Good Magician Humphrey, and his wife the Gorgon, missing. But it's not just demons!

I don't understand adults. [ H U F F.]

[Technically Volney and Chet are adults too, but she's ignoring this because Chet is hard as hell to understand, okay okay, and Volney speaks with a lisp, but he's still a cool adult, being as he's a vole, so she doesn't understand him PER SE, just good enough!!!]

[az_shrimp_horny]

Nope, Hell's where I was before I got here.

[Her eyes get wide at the child's rant. Holy shit. That's... a lot. A lot a lot. What the fuck is wrong with her world?]

Kid, let me tell you a secret: You won't understand 'em until you become one. And even then you might not.

[enhancomancer]

What if I never grow up? And I just avoid the adult conspiracy forever?

But that might be boring, and I don't want to become an old hag.

[az_shrimp_horny]

[She laughs.]

That might work, but there's a lot of good stuff you can do as an adult, too.

[...]

How old do you have to be to be an 'old hag'?

[enhancomancer]

I dunno, like fifty, or three hundred! [Just a small jump there.] How old are the witches, you think?

[az_shrimp_horny]

[Good. As long as she's safe she can live with that.]

I dunno. I mean they talk like they're from a long time ago where I'm from. Maybe a couple hundred years?

[enhancomancer]

That old then!

[az_shrimp_horny]

Maybe. Or older.

[She smiles mischievously.]