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[az_shrimp_horny]

[She wasn't going to do this... she really wasn't going to be that guy... but her talk with Aziraphale last night had worried her. If he was cracking under pressure or whatever the fuck that was she can't just leave all the newbies in the lurch.

What the fuck is wrong with her? She actually cares?! Fuck! It's okay. Just remember what Aziraphale said about teaching and leading and shit. But if she's gonna do this for real she's gonna do it her way.

So she sat on her couch in front of a plain white wall, nothing fancy. A framed candid photo of her and Rosabella hangs off to her right. Dressed in a comfy plaid shirt, she gives the mirror a lop sided smile before she begins to speak.]

Hey everyone, I'm Eleanor and I don't usually do this so I'm just gonna get straight to the point:

Alright, so, here's the deal. I'm not gonna sugar coat this for you - this place isn't the best. Some parts of it downright suck. But it doesn't have to completely suck. I know all you newbies are probably getting sick of hearing about everything. There's a loooooot of info. Take it from someone who hates reading anything longer than a couple'a pages, I getcha. So here are some cliffnotes:

-You can get some food for free at places in town - it's good shit, too. That'll help til you get a job or someone to freeload off of.
-The Emporium has everything you might need - ask for me or Michael, we'll help hook you up.
-Right now everything is fucking haunted. Don't fuck with the ghosts or they'll fuck with you... I speak from experience.
-Watch out on the full moon. Anyone who's a monster class starts looking and acting pretty wiggy. And... don't take it personally, they can't help it. On the new moon it's the exact opposite, so be nice.
-Don't do any missions til you've at least tried to do magic... they suck ass if you don't know what you're doing. During my first mission, one guy blew up one of our tents and made the other one invisible. Seriously. You try finding an invisible tent in the dark. It's not fun.

[No offense, Doctor. It was the best example she could think of...

She sighs, raking her hair back from her face. Realizing how she must sound, her smile turns a little apologetic.]

Listen... I know it's a lot. Trust me. I didn't believe a single word of it until I saw the corroded with my own eyes and actually did magic for the first time. But you're not alone. If you want help with magic and shit you can go talk to Aziraphale if he's around. He's one of the good guys and super easy to talk to. But you can also come talk to me. I've been helping with training, but I've also been giving a lot of advice lately. So I'm gonna put out a blanket offer to everyone, no matter how long you've been here:

If you need someone to train with, talk to, hang out with, bitch at or whatever, I'm your girl. I work at the Emporium, but hit me up through the mirror any time. I'll buy the first round of drinks. Booze, tea, coffee, milk and cookies, a thimble of something, whatever.

[She pauses, biting her lip]

Uuuuhhh yeah that's about it. [Another pause] Fuck, I don't know how to end this without sounding either really lame or super awkward... except now I just made it awkward by saying that. [She facepalms] Just... bye. Okay? Bye.

Comments

[az_shrimp_horny]

What the fuck is psychic paper?

[She shakes her head.]

But yeah! Be fancy free! Go for it! And I'll only slap you if you want me to or if you're being massively stupid.

[bigbadrose]

[Snort.]

Name on tin. Paper that's psychic, it shows mostly what you want it to. The Doctor uses it for IDs and whatever. Jack has some too! Torchwood is taught to see through it, annnd sometimes use it. One universe Dad tried to make some, but I don't remember if he failed. Might be a reason I'm blocking it out, or something made me forget. It's like that.

[Another snort. Fancy free....] I'm always stupid. Not really. But I can be.

[az_shrimp_horny]

Dude, that would have been way easier than my fake ID!

[She's joking... Or is she?]

Oh shut up. We're all stupid sometimes. Trust me, I've done some dumb shit in my day. Really, though, if you wanna hear about stupid I should tell you about Jason.

[bigbadrose]

Right? Luckily my Dad... sort of Dad. Step-Dad... [Blows cheeks out.] Remember how all my shit is insane? Yeaaaaaaaaah. So I was born in the Doctor's universe, but I landed in a parrallel universe, and that version of Peter Tyler, my Dad, got remarried to my birth Mom, and had a baby brother, and that Peter Tyler -- well ALL OF HIM is inventors, but that one is a director of Torchwood so he made a -- [Digs out her cellphone that has been three times modified now; it looks like a 2005 pink flip-phone, but it's got the Doctor's adjustments for time travel, and Cybus' upgrade to connect to all world-wide networks, and then her father's personal upgrades. It's also been taken apart and reassembled by other versions of him.... yeah.] It carries my credentials and it's like a universal credit card almost. So long as the world has the tech for it, it assimilates to it and overrides it. Verrrrrry handy. Except the part where I can't let it get into the wrong hands. And sometimes that includes other versions of him. He also likes to take it all apart even MORE because it's his own inventions, so he can see his thought processes, but it's weird for 'verses where like... there's no internet, or all manufacturing has been banned since the seventies or whatever.

It's also got a taser function for dealing with cybermen. Long story.

[Drinks!!!] Okay, tell me stories about him. It'll make me feel better to know that people can be thicker than me, and still get by, yeah?

[az_shrimp_horny]

[Yeah she just stares at her while she rambles. What? No, really, what?

Oh but yes, Jason. She grins, laughing.]

Okay, so I didn't know him while he was alive but let's start with how this dumb ass died. He had a bright idea to rob a pizza place by having his buddy Pillboi pretend to be a safe installer. But he was hiding inside. The plan was for him to get out of the safe when the place closed, rob the place, get back in the safe, and Pillboi would go the next day to get him out.

His genius plan to breathe while he was in there? A snorkel. And he did a bunch of whippets while he was in there. I don't think he gets why that didn't work.

[bigbadrose]

Pillboi...

[Welp.]

[That's sure a thing.]

[Why even...] How much did they spend on the safe? [She's just saying... even beyond the fact that snorkels are not oxygen tanks... the amount you could steal from a pizza place, wouldn't even cover the price of the safe.] Whippets are.... joints??? [Sorry, London is not prepared for Florida men.]

[az_shrimp_horny]

[She frowns, tilting her head.]

I don't know what he spent. I never thought to ask.

[shaking her head, she laughs.]

Whippets are nitrous oxide. I've never done it, but I'm guessing it's part of why his brain is basically numb. When Michael told us he could make something to take us to the Good Place, Jason asked if it was Optimus Prime. Then he called shotgun. Which is apparently right nipple on Optimus Prime.

[bigbadrose]

[N O D S.]

Of course.

Blimey, I never thought anyone could outdo Jimmy Stone, but I guess so!

[az_shrimp_horny]

And that's just how he died. Michael's torture for him? Made him think they mixed him up with some Buddhist Monk who took a vow of silence. His torture was literally just to not talk.