(accidental video)

[trashylittlesecret]

[as anyone from the modern age who is used to cell phones would, Richie constantly keeps his mirror within arm's reach. so the fact that he bumps it while it's sitting on the kitchen counter is no surprise.

there's ... definitely something going on here. containers of baking soda, three kinds of flour, a carton of buttermilk, spice jars, and a big glass jar of molasses. Richie is surveying his culinary kingdom with uncharacteristic focus. his t-shirt has spots of flour on it, and he's studying a piece of paper that's been scribbled in and corrected several times. a pot of water is bubbling on the stove.]

Okay. So. Dry stuff first. Then the wet stuff. Check.

[he pours a bowl of dark brown, thick, sticky-looking batter into ... a metal coffee can, of all things. he address the can directly]

Right, you little fucker. No turning into a doorstop this time. Sixth time's the charm.

[he fills the can up straight to the top, then covers it with aluminum foil and lowers it into the water. once that's done, he cleans up his mess and dumps it all in the sink, treating everyone unwittingly to an a cappella, falsetto rendition of Shake It Off as he does the dishes. yes. he knows ALL the words.

he's winding up to the end of the spoken bit when the coffee can explodes. aluminum shrapnel and batter everywhere. he screams like a girl and ducks behind the counter, coming up unscathed ... but eye-to-eye with his blinking, merrily recording mirror.]

Oh, fuck.

Comments

Video

[az_shrimp_horny]

[Eleanor has both hands over her mouth, trying to hold back her laughter. As soon as he notices the mirror she loses it, doubling over with hysterical laughter.]

[trashylittlesecret]

Oh yeah, laugh it up, fuzzball.

Shit, I thought I got it right that time, too.

[az_shrimp_horny]

Wait wait hold the fuck up. I am so not the walking carpet here.

[She shook a finger at him.]

With this rocking bod? I'm totally the princess.

[Why can't she remember the name... Oh well. A pause.]

Fuck I sound like a nerd.

[trashylittlesecret]

[kitchen mishap and impromptu Tay-Tay concert are completely forgotten. he beams wickedly]

One of uuuusssss, onnnne oooof uuuuusssss....

[az_shrimp_horny]

[She flips him off with a laugh.]

Bite me kitchen nightmare. What the fuck are you making, anyway?

[trashylittlesecret]

[one exaggerated bite toward the mirror, you got it]

Uh, brown bread. Or at least, it's supposed to be. I thought I finally had it figured out. Maybe I put too much in the can.

[az_shrimp_horny]

That's what she said.

[Take that, asshole.]

Seriously, though. What the fuck is brown bread and why is it in a can?

[trashylittlesecret]

It's ... I dunno. You ever have pumpernickel bread? It's like that. But sweeter. And it's always made in a can, because - I don't fucking know, it just is. Why do people always put stuffing in turkeys? Same goddamn principle. Anyway, you cut it up in big thick slices and put enough butter on it to grease a space shuttle, and then you have it with like, beans and hot dogs. It's a Maine thing. You probably wouldn't understand because you fry up cactus slices or some shit.

[az_shrimp_horny]

Ooooookay that sounds weird but also kind of delicious. Also fuck you, asshole. [She laughed] Cacti are like 90% water, what the fuck would that even taste like. No, you want Arizona cuisine? You want a churro dog.

[trashylittlesecret]

I dunno, don't they put cactus in some of those weird Snapples? Or didn't they used to?

[he took a moment to process what she'd said. because churros and hot dogs themselves weren't already processed enough]

If that's what I think it sounds like, I have a feeling I'd want about ten of them when I'm hung over, and only when I'm hung over.

[az_shrimp_horny]

[She rolls her eyes]

Yeah. Cactus juice, not like a whole cactus.

[But she grins at him.]

Hey, you're not wrong. That shit is perfect for a hangover. It's a hot dog, but the bun is two churros and it's all tied together with a Slim Jim.

[abys_keeper]

[he has no idea what he's looking at, but it's funny. Humans are strange bottom dwellers, but he's beginning to understand why Aby liked them. The singing is very odd and he wonders if the human is trying to find a mate.

When the explosion happens.

Aby shrieks himself, bright lights of alarm skidding under his skin and squids away as fast as he can. So he isn't on frame when he asks]

Are you dead? [and then] Are you hurt?

[trashylittlesecret]

[Richie grabs a hand towel off the handle of the oven door and starts trying to clean up the gobs of batter on his shirt. if it stains he'll just tie-dye it or something, he loves the damn thing too much to lose it to a kitchen mishap]

I think you asked those in the wrong order, mysterious disembodied voice.

[abys_keeper]

There is an order? [how strange. He moved closer and peered back in the mirror, though will likely appear upside down] You're not hurt? [there was no blood. Unless his blood was the gooey stuff] Your eyes are very strange.

[trashylittlesecret]

Usually people get hurt before they die. And if they're dead they won't answer you anyway.

[eyes? oh shit, his glasses. he takes them off to make sure they didn't get scratched or anything]

And you're very ... blue. You one of the new guys? I think I'd remember blue people.

[abys_keeper]

You took your eyes off! [how? Was he really human? Or were they like...like the things the humans wore on their bodies?]

Am I blue? [he looked at his hand] The water is blue. If it were dark, I would be dark. If it were light, I would be light. But I can be other colors too. Want to see?

[trashylittlesecret]

Wha- oh! No. These are glasses. They help me see because I don't have good eyes.

[points to his eyes for emphasis] These are my real eyes. .... You're in water?

[he squints at the screen and puts his glasses back on. huh! so he is. in water.]

Never seen anything like that before. Or met anyone who changes color. Are you some kind of chameleon fish or something?

[abys_keeper]

Oh glass. [he's seen it before. It was like water but hard] To make the light bend so things are bigger. [he knew about that. The water question seems obvious so Keeper ignores it]

I don't know what that is. I'm from the ancient bloom in the crushing deep. And I'm not a fish. But fish are tasty.

[he'll show him the colors though! Lights like stars begin to grow brighter under his skin in reds and yellows and whites and blues, moving in mesmerizing swirling patterns. Come here, the patterns say. You want to touch it, don't you? You want to join the dance.]

1/2

[trashylittlesecret]

Oh, well if you know glass, I guess that's a good thing. [the less playing teacher for him, the better]

Ancient bloom in the -- wow, that sounds like something out of Lovecraft. Or like, one of Bill's books.

[he's about to ask another question, but --]

2/2

[trashylittlesecret]

[lights. oh. he doesn't do well with those. the very instant they start to move, his eyes roll back in his head and his jaw goes slack, as though something in his mind flipped a switch that he forgot was there. it's a good thing this is over the network, and not in person, or he'd be a sitting duck. he wouldn't have to want to walk up and join the dance, Keeper could just ... sweep in and do whatever those colored lights usually enabled him to do.

as things are, though, he'll just ... plop himself down on the floor with his phone in his hands. like someone dropped a rag doll]

[abys_keeper]

[Oh, that was unexpected. And easy. There he was, sitting on the floor, a lump of deliciousness. It had been a long time since he had anything so tasty. Only he had no idea how to get to him.

He just had to find out where he was first. If a fish sank once, it would sink again. And then... he would be very satisfied. He let the lights fade and watched the human, wondering how long it would take him to come back to himself]

[trashylittlesecret]

[he'd snap out of it as soon as Keeper made the lights stop, really. well, maybe it would take a moment or two.]

[abys_keeper]

[the lights go completely, save for the ones that usually glimmer in a stationary way just under his skin. He continues to watch with the effortless patience of a stalking predator]

1/2

[trashylittlesecret]

[his eyes roll back down, though it takes a moment for anything resembling awareness to spark. even once it does, he just sits there for a moment, dazed. the past and the present are a strange palimpsest, and even as he's seeing Keeper's intently staring face, he hears someone else. somewhen else.

Richie I think I did it. I think I killed it. For real. Wake up.]

2/2 (CW: Emetophobia / PTSD, yay)

[trashylittlesecret]

[his posture straightens as he realizes where he is. when he is. what's going on. but his memories are still too near the surface, and he drops the phone. all Keeper will see for a moment is whatever tile or linoleum the Kingdom Apartments use, and there's a wet retching sound. when the mirror moves again, it's shaking worse than The Blair Witch Project or the last act of Cloverfield, as Richie's holding it in one trembling hand while still wiping the corner of his mouth with the other. his voice is just as shaky as his hands, and there's something hollow and frightened about the look in his eyes]

Whatever that was...!

Don't do it again.

(CW: Emetophobia / PTSD, yay)

[abys_keeper]

[the fear was interesting. He'd never seen it like that before... so violent and close to the surface. He would never eat something when it was afraid. The panic would tear up his insides. But he couldn't help but wonder what it tasted like. Would it be delicious?

Humans were precious to Aby,he reminded himself. So he couldn't break a promise. So before he made one...]

Can I eat you?

[trashylittlesecret]

Hey! No!

[he really does nearly drop the phone that time, and anger - good old familiar anger - swoops in to replace the fear]

No you may fucking not! What th-- what the hell! Eating people, wh-- who -- why?!

[abys_keeper]

[he frowned]

You would be very tasty. And nutritional. If I ate you, I could go for almost two days without eating again. But if you're sure.

[trashylittlesecret]

YES! Yes, I'm sure! Why - why would I even change my mind about something like that?! Do me a favor. Just ... just go to the Carnation Cafe. Ask them for a menu. Take note of the fact that it does not, at any point, say "Filet of Richard Tozier".

[abys_keeper]

[he tilted his head]

What's a Carnashun cafay? Manyu? Fill eh?

[trashylittlesecret]

... Okay, what glacier did they thaw you out of, Encino Man? Carnation Cafe is the name of a restaurant, which is where normal people usually go to get things to eat. And a menu is the list of things you are allowed to eat. A filet is a particular piece of meat cut from something, meant for eating.

Jesus. Do they show reruns of Sesame Street around here? I just need to sit you in front of a T.V. or something. Fuck.

[abys_keeper]

[he has no idea what you are talking about. He blinked and hummed soothingly.]

It's alright. I won't eat you. You don't have to be afraid. [maybe he was babbling in fear]

[trashylittlesecret]

I'm not afraid. [lies, Trashmouth] I'm just wondering how you managed to live long enough to get here and not know any of this stuff. Like the basic etiquette of, I dunno, not eating people.

[yeah, he's still a little hung up on that]

[abys_keeper]

I'm from the crushing depths. There is just endless dark. Aby said it was alright if you asked first. And I learned about telescopes and stars. And I learned about sand and coconuts and monkeys and fire. I learned about ships. And spoons. Spoons are fun.

[action]

[classicms_smith]

[She'd gone out to grab a few things from the newspaper office, figuring her roommate would find a way to entertain himself until she came back.

Then there was an explosion on the network-followed by a familiar screech.

Needless to say she was back much sooner than she anticipated.]

Tosser?! What...

[oh my.]

[trashylittlesecret]

[there's coffee can shrapnel embedded in the cabinets and the refrigerator door. and a few pieces on the counters. molasses batter everywhere. by the time she shows up, Richie's mostly doing damage control on his mirror, sitting on the kitchen floor, a tea towel slung over one shoulder, his glasses smudgy but intact. he looks up at her, smacks his lips. sniffs.]

Bread Mark Six was definitely also a tactical failure. This concludes our debriefing.

[video]

[mrsbrisby]

Richie, what were you... [ Mrs. Brisby giggled only when it appeared like the poor guy was only rattled and not seriously impaled by some can shrapnel or anything grim along those lines. ] Why you silly thing! You shouldn't fill the can all the way to the top. The batter has no room to spread out and it will once it gets hot. Are you alright?

[trashylittlesecret]

Room to --- oh for Christ's sake, seriously?

[he promptly throws his head back and groans]

Arrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh.

[still with his head back]

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just an idiot.

[mrsbrisby]

Oh no!

[ This time she laughed as it was clear he had really never thought of that! The poor guy! ]

I suppose you haven't done much baking?

Video

[woo_oo]

Wow, Richie! I didn't know you had a talent for explosives!

[It's gunna take her an extra minute to realize all of that wasn't on purpose.]

[trashylittlesecret]

This is a learning day for all of us, Buckets. Neither did I.

[woo_oo]

Huh? ... Then what were you trying to do?

Video

[beancounter]

[Fenton yelps as well when the can explodes, ducking reflexively.] .... Richie... you okay, there? What happened?